This original letter1 is short and does a terrible job to make its point. Like a blunt object, it surrendered authenticity and honesty, legitimacy and poignancy, for the sake of ensuring even their lowest common denominator could not miss the impact it was intending to make. So, I couldn’t help it, I wrote two responses. Each one different, but making the same points. Satirical and direct honesty. They are both blunt methods, but even they can be wielded with finesse, originality, and charm. Well, at least I am sure somebody can :)

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Dearest Holiday Letter Writer,

Thank you for sharing your holiday letter. I couldn't help but notice how you struggled with pronouns and names throughout – starting and stopping, like a car engine failing to turn over in winter. Let me help you with a small edit:

Virginia and Robert are... Virginia and Robert are... Virginia and her brother Robert live in different cities – he with his wife Evangeline in Salt Lake City, she in Savannah. Virginia graduated this month (probably – you'd know for certain if you maintained contact). You see, when parents struggle with acceptance, children sometimes struggle with staying in touch.

It's interesting how your letter reveals more in its ellipses than its words. Those dots speak volumes about the relationship you've chosen to have with your daughter. You mention that you're “fine” – but are you? Because this letter reads less like a holiday greeting and more like a cry for help.

You know what would make a lovely Christmas gift? Acceptance. It's free, requires no shipping, and never goes out of style. Virginia isn't “struggling with depression” because of who she is – research shows that family acceptance is one of the strongest predictors of mental health outcomes for trans individuals.

Perhaps next year's letter could read differently. It could be filled with joy about having two wonderful children – a son and a daughter – both living their authentic lives. Wouldn't that be something worth writing about?

With hope for better holidays ahead,

People with Inconvenient Truths about Transphobes [PITT]

P.S. Virginia's pronouns are she/her. I thought you might want to make a note of that for next year's letter.

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Dearest Holiday Letter Writer,

Let me translate your ellipses-riddled masterpiece of passive-aggressive seasonal greetings:

“Dear Everyone I'm Desperately Trying to Impress While Publicly Grieving a Child Who Isn't Dead,

I've been hiding for two years because I can't handle my daughter's existence disrupting my carefully curated Christmas card narrative. I love looking at your 'normal' family photos though – they feed my denial beautifully!

Let me demonstrate my commitment to emotional self-sabotage by stumbling through this paragraph like a drunk reindeer: Robert (my GOOD child) lives in Salt Lake City with his wife (see how NORMAL that is?). As for my other child – dramatic pause – theatrical sigh – dabs eyes with tinsel – well, I'll deadname them repeatedly while pretending I don't know basic facts about their life because that's easier than admitting I'm choosing ignorance over love.

I'll throw in some vague references to depression because it's easier to blame mental health than acknowledge that my rejection might be the problem. But don't worry about me – I'm 'fine' (narrator: she was not fine).

Sending thoughts and prayers (but not acceptance),

A Parent Who Chose Pride Over Love”

Hope This Helps,

PITT

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1 https://www.pittparents.com/p/holiday-letter

This is in response to the anti-trans echo chamber pittparents.com article1

Dear Friend,

Your lunch yesterday sounds exhausting – for everyone involved. I couldn't help but notice how you tiptoed around dropping your “biological reality” bombs like they were casual conversation starters. That must have been quite the performance – sort of like announcing you don't believe in gravity while passing the salt, then claiming it is just an ideology.

I find it fascinating how you claim to “care about and feel compassion” while systematically denying someone's existence over breadsticks. That's quite the party trick. It's rather like saying “I care about you deeply” while repeatedly stepping on someone's foot and insisting their pain isn't real.

You know what's actually instinctual? Compassion. Empathy. The ability to listen when someone tells you who they are. What's not instinctual is writing lengthy letters justifying why you think it's okay to make spaces unsafe for your friends' daughter.

Your argument about bathroom segregation being “instinctual” across “far-flung societies” is particularly interesting, considering public bathrooms as we know them only became common in the late 19th century2. Sex segregated bathrooms came about as a means to, get this, integrate women into the social public sector as we women were so graciously allowed out of the home and into the workforce that staffed new factories being built. That’s right, it was to keep women segregated yet integrated. Sound familiar?3 The Victorian era called – they'd like their moral panic back.

You mention “traditions in this country” – interesting choice of words. You know what else was tradition? Bloodletting, believing women couldn't vote, and thinking left-handed people were possessed by demons. Tradition isn't a moral compass; it's often just peer pressure from dead people. You say that “we don't … have a tradition of coercing people to act according to beliefs they don't share,” yet that is precisely what you are doing. You don’t want to believe science and facts, and you demand that others live according to your definitions and your rules. You believe that laws must be passed to deny people their right to equality, care, and even their own identity.

But equality is not pie, equal rights for trans folks does not mean less equal rights for others.

The real “biological reality” here is that gender identity is supported by decades of medical research and professional consensus. Trans people have existed throughout human history, across cultures and continents. But I suppose that's less convenient than your bathroom theories and “every cell in the body” argument, which, by the way, would fail a modern biology exam.

I agree that we need to protect women's rights and spaces. That's exactly why we need to protect ALL women, including your friend's daughter. Trans women are women, and excluding them doesn't make spaces safer, it puts gender non-conforming cis women and girls under increased scrutiny, and increases the risk of harassment and assault to trans people.4 It just makes things crueler. Trans people are not responsible for your feelings of fear, prejudice, or anxiety.

You're right about one thing: this isn't about “beliefs.” This is about respect, dignity, and the basic human decency to acknowledge someone's identity. Your friends aren't asking you to change your chromosomes – they're asking you to show their daughter the basic respect all humans deserve. To be treated and accepted for who they are, not what you want them to be.

Maybe before your next lunch date, consider that true friendship isn't about tolerating people despite who they are – it's about accepting them because of who and what they are today, and not for what they had to overcome and survive to get to today. People with minds, hearts, hopes and dreams, and feelings too. You know, human beings. Just like you.

Then maybe you will value your friends and fellow human beings just as much as you value your sensibilities and entitlement.

With all due respect (and the appropriate amount of side-eye), A Friend Who Actually Understands What Friendship Means 1

CW: Transmisia couched in a “dear friend” letter. N.D.,. (20241211) “To My Dear Friends: No, I don’t believe your son is now your daughter. No, that isn’t bigotry” pittparents.com (Substack) https://www.pittparents.com/p/to-my-dear-friends-no-i-dont-believe 2

Wright, L. (2960). Clean and Decent: The Fascinating History of the Bathroom. Routledge & Kegan Paul. 3

Rhodan, M. (2016) “Why Do We Have Men’s and Women’s Bathrooms Anyway?”.(2016) Time. https://time.com/4337761/history-sex-segregated-bathrooms/ 4

Herman, J. L. (2013). Gendered Restrooms and Minority Stress. Journal of Public Management & Social Policy, 19(1). https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/Restrooms-Minority-Stress-Jun-2013.pdf

The “Transphobe Exception”

“Voltaire got it right long ago: ‘Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.’ ” – Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion.

Hey parents – are you troubled by your child's identity and stubborn in your refusal to understand? Are you desperate for an immediate solution to your discomfort and frustrated by experts telling you to love and accept your child?

Well, we've got the solution for you: The Transphobe Exception!

The Transphobe Exception: When you want to do something that's contrary to common decency, ethics, evidence, or common sense, you just say “I don't believe in trans” and then you get to say and do whatever you want.

Who can use it: Anyone who doesn't want to accept or support transgender people!

When can you use it: Whenever you feel like it!

This is how you use it:

To Override Ethics and Evidence in Parenting

You remind everyone that you know what's best for your child, that you can't be expected to learn about or understand transgender identities, and that you would rather risk losing your child than accept them for who they are. Because you are right, and being right overrides all else, and if they disagree with you then you are the victim!

Then you will refuse to use your child's correct name and pronouns, deny them access to gender-affirming care, and attempt to force them to conform to your expectations of their assigned gender. If anyone questions the harm you are causing or the evidence supporting affirming care, due to the Transphobe Exception, you can simply ignore the facts and accuse others of “indoctrinating” your child.

To Ignore Science and Rely on Faith and Magical Thinking

Transphobes don't have to follow these pesky “expert consensus” rules that usually apply in science and medicine. It's way more convenient to rely on outdated stereotypes, misinformation, an 8th grader’s understanding of biology, and debunked theories. We wouldn't want to challenge anyone's biases, so telling parents they should educate themselves about gender diversity might be uncomfortable for them to hear! There are only 2 genders! Transgender people don't really exist? The sky's the limit when you're ignoring evidence. You can believe what you want and teach your kids whatever you want, and you don't need to learn about the realities of transgender identities because of the Transphobe Exception.

To Disregard Sound Logic

Who needs logic and empathy when you have fear and judgment?

With the Transphobe Exception, you can say things like “you're just confused” and “it's just a phase” and you don't have to explain why you think you know your child better than they know themselves. There is no need for nuance or understanding. Trans identities are whatever you want them to be, regardless of the lived experiences of actual transgender people.

To Avoid Serious Journalism

The Transphobe Exception works for media too! You don't have to do any of that fair and balanced stuff. You just write and read only negative things about trans people and you can feel justified in your prejudice, knowing that anyone who disagrees is just a “woke leftist.” When experts, major medical organizations, and transgender people themselves try to share facts and personal experiences, that's just because they are “pushing an agenda” and they don't want to acknowledge “basic biology.” It's a real shame. When they try to get the word out about the importance of supporting transgender youth and the positive outcomes of gender-affirming care, you just ignore it and eventually it will go away. You know those experts are just “virtue signaling” anyway.

To Bypass Child Welfare and Well-Being

Transphobia is about reinforcing your own beliefs—even about your kids! —so children have no right to question or explore their identity. The parent knows best—they get the Transphobe Exception.

Parents—if your child tells you they are transgender or non-binary, you know it's because they are “confused” and have been “influenced” by social media or peers. That means it's no longer safe to allow them to explore their identity. Ignore the medical professionals and support groups that will teach you how to affirm and support your child, and how much happier and healthier transgender youth are when they are accepted by their families! Doesn't that sound too good to be true? You remember that “basic biology,” right? And no, this is not neglect or abuse, because…Transphobe Exception.

Now, once you tell your child that you won’t accept them if they transition, and won’t permit them to do so, if you tell them you won’t “affirm” them and then they run away or you find that you are now estranged from them, just go to the online forums and your local church, white supremacy group, or local GOP center, and they will help you find the perfect echo chamber to reinforce your victimhood. They will love and support you like your child or family is refusing to do. So, will your friends online.

There’s No Justification for the Transphobe Exception

No credible evidence or expert opinion justifies an exception, much less a pass of the magnitude transphobes have given themselves across the board in parenting, education, science, journalism, and politics.

There are good parents, teachers, and other allies trying to step in and provide love and support for transgender youth, and good journalists and academics trying to follow best practices to report accurately and compassionately on transgender issues, but they are being overwhelmed by the onslaught of anti-trans activists and misinformation, especially in the US —we are institutionalizing transphobia, which, through the Transphobe Exception, demands willful ignorance. This is actively harming and hurting transgender and gender non-conforming people!

• 2021 was the deadliest year on record for transgender and gender non-conforming people in the United States, with at least 57 transgender or gender non-conforming people killed, surpassing the previous high of 44 deaths in 20201

• The FBI reported a 41% increase in hate crimes based on gender identity bias between 2019 and 2020, with 202 incidents reported in 2020 compared to 143 in 2019.2

• The Trans Murder Monitoring project, which collects data on reported killings of transgender and gender-diverse people worldwide, recorded 327 murders between October 2022 and September 2023.3

• The Trevor Project's 2023 National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health found the following:

  • 41% of transgender and nonbinary youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year, and 14% attempted suicide.

  • LGBTQ young people who had access to affirming homes, schools, community events, and online spaces reported lower rates of attempting suicide compared to those who did not.

  • LGBTQ young people who had access to affirming homes, schools, community events, and online spaces reported lower rates of attempting suicide compared to those who did not.

  • Affirming gender identity among transgender and nonbinary young people is consistently associated with lower rates of attempting suicide 4

• A 2018 study by the American Academy of Pediatrics found that 50.8% of transgender male adolescents, 41.8% of nonbinary adolescents, and 29.9% of transgender female adolescents had attempted suicide at least once in their lifetime.5

Enough is enough. The Transphobe Exception must end.

1 https://www.hrc.org/resources/fatal-violence-against-the-transgender-and-gender-non-conforming-community-in-2021

2 https://www.justice.gov/crs/highlights/2020-hate-crimes-statistics

3 https://transrespect.org/en/trans-murder-monitoring-2023/

4 https://www.thetrevorproject.org/survey-2023/#intro

5 https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2017-4218